wat do i really want??

The end..

2009-05-28T01:41:00.002+08:00

I really feel like ending the suffering..its too much for me to handle..i'm tired..VERY TIRED!!

26 May 2009

2009-05-26T23:53:00.002+08:00

I should be feeling happy today..but i'm not..

If only i had better self control..
If only i don't give in to temptations so easily..
If i had put down those memories and moved on..
If i had treasured you and showed you more concern..
There are too many 'ifs' in my mind now..

You were the one whom supported me throughout PRCP..I really wanted to share my joy of graduating with you..but i know its not possible anymore..

There are too many things in my mind now..i really feel like i'm going to explode anytime soon..but it seems that i can't find anyone whom i can talk to..maybe because no one seem to understand the pain i had been through the past 3 months..and i still remember, i wasn't given any chance to explain myself..i was condemned immediately..

However, its not that that hurt me the most..its that all along, you not been truthful with your feelings to me..by saying things that you don't mean it, and making me believe that you are feeling ok..but in actual fact you're not..i just feel that its so unfair to me..shouldn't couples be communicating with each other about how they feel, instead of keeping it to themselves?

I don't know how long more will you be in my mind..i just got myself hurt deeply..too deeply..
Anyway, hope you had a wonderful Birthday with him..Happy Birthday..

Why?

2009-05-04T13:32:00.001+08:00

I don't know why i kept crying when i woke up today..i'm still wondering, why do i still get affected when i think of you, or see something which i doesn't want to..

I miss you..i really do..

One month

2009-04-06T21:33:00.002+08:00

Happy one month annivesary of being single to myself!!
But do you think i'm happy over this?

Tired

2009-04-03T23:15:00.004+08:00

I HATE MYSELF!! Why do i choose to look back into the past when i know it will bring back those bad memories which i don't want to be reminded of? Why do i still choose to pacify those people who doesn't even care, and got myself hurt again in the end? I'm tired and lost..I really don't know what to do now..

Chats

2009-04-02T00:15:00.002+08:00

Often when i'm free, i will open my msn chat log and read them (those chats with ahem), reminiscing the past..but instead of finding memories, i got myself hurt more..especially when i'm reading through messages of quarrels..but sometimes i just can't control myself and i went ahead..too many regrets..hurt too many times..but i don't blame anyone..i only have myself to blame for everything that happens..

fool

2009-03-26T00:31:00.005+08:00

Guess i might be the biggest fool in this world..even though i know that i will get myself hurt more, and fall deeper, yet i still choose to do things which i don't mean to do, and things i don't mean to say, and pretend that nothing has happened before..haiz..

25th again

2009-03-25T22:47:00.002+08:00

Time flies..and its the 25th again..but somehow i don't feel much this time round..maybe too many things happened recently..which took over the pain which i had..or maybe it just add on to those existing pain..i don't know..

decision

2009-03-24T00:22:00.002+08:00

I have made a decision to change..for the better (actually more for someone else to be honest)..i know that its not easy and it might take a very long period of time..but i will persevere..because i know that what that person did for me are all for my own good..

No one

2009-03-23T00:21:00.001+08:00

I'm all alone now..i have no one to turn to..everyone left me..i'm not being trusted le..i feel so lonely now =(

Nobody

2009-03-20T23:08:00.002+08:00

Why is god so unfair to me?
Why is god toying with me like this?
One mistake i made and i lost 2 person whom i loved and loved me..
Just one wrong move..
I cried but nobody knows, nobody saw..
I'm just someone whom nobody understand how i feel..
Nobody cares..
Nobody love..
I'm just a nobody to you..
A nobody..

Changes

2009-03-20T23:04:00.002+08:00

Mindset changes..
People changes..
Looks changes..
Places changes..
Timing changes..
Relationship changes..
Your heart changes..
Your others heart changes..
Everything changes..
But even if the world changes, my feelings for you will never change..

Why?

2009-03-20T23:02:00.002+08:00

Why do i have to wake up every morning?Why can't i just continue sleeping without having to wake up, and not having to face all these?I love you but this is what i got..all because of one wrong move i made..

Tears

2009-03-09T23:12:00.002+08:00

All the while i thought that i can remain strong and not shed a drop of tears..but i was wrong..whenever i think of you, i just couldn't control myself..perharps i don't deserve your forgiveness..as the things that i had done was too unforgivable..

The one

2009-03-09T23:03:00.002+08:00

You are THE ONE whom brought me out of my bad memories..
THE ONE whom supported me through the toughest time..
THE ONE whom i go to when i needed someone..
THE ONE whom i had great memories with..
THE ONE whom i wanted to take care of..
THE ONE whom i trusted the most..
THE ONE whom i missed the most..
THE ONE whom i loved the most..

Till now,
You are still THE ONE whom i hope can go to when i need someone..
THE ONE whom i want the great memories to be continued..
THE ONE whom i still want to take care of..
THE ONE whom i still trust the most..
THE ONE whom i still miss the most..
THE ONE whom i still love the most..

THE ONE whom i will continue to wait, till you are willingto accept me again..

I

2009-03-09T01:09:00.002+08:00

I went up to the hill today, thinking of the past we shared..
I sat opposite your house looking into your window, to ease the urge of wanting to see you again..
I hope to get more of your attention, as i realized i really love you alot..
I hope you will see me downstairs through the window, but i hid myself in the end..

I love you..
and
I will be waiting for you till you are willing to accept me again..

Reasons

2009-03-06T21:55:00.002+08:00

Guessed i know the reason for the things that happened..
Its because..
I'm neither rich, tall, handsome/cute, have good complexion, have beautiful eyes, and i don't drive..

STUPID!!

2009-03-06T16:49:00.003+08:00

I wonder who on earth will be so stupid, to fall in love and commit himself totally to a person, and ended up getting hurt in the end..YES I'M THE ONE!!

Guessed i might be the biggest fool in this world, to actually believe that this person is true to me and someone whom i can depend on..i was wrong..you are just like anyone of them whom i can find anywhere else..one who tells me that you like me, and then throw me aside when you're sick and tired of playing (with me)..

I"M UTTERLY DISSAPOINTED..

Love = Game

2009-03-01T22:16:00.004+08:00

Love is just like a game..its a competition to see whose feeling fades first..i've been defeated terribly..i've lost..

Its never a good thing to stay faithful coz the other party won't..i've learnt a lesson, never to commit myself totally to another person..

25th

2009-02-25T00:50:00.002+08:00

3 months past, but i still don't understand why the memories keeps haunting me..

Maybe the love for you is too strong..
Maybe i sacrificed too much when we were together..
Maybe i was hurt too deep by the things you said and did..

I hate the 25th of every month!!

Doraemon

2009-02-20T20:52:00.003+08:00

Among all the Doraemon i have, i still love the one you gave me the most..not because of the love i had for you, but the memories that it brought back..

That Doraemon, reminds me of the events that took place on the night of my Birthday..that was the first Birthday present that i received from someone whom i really loved alot..it also brought back memories of the next few days..Everytime i look at that Doraemon, i can't help but cry thinking of the things that we went through together, and the things that you had done that hurted me alot..and everytime i think of you, i will be hugging that Doraemon in my arms..

There are times which i wanted to keep it away from my sight, but i couldn't bring myself to do so..i just can't bear to leave and forget those memories that we shared..

I know that by saying these here, its not really fair to that another him..but i know that he will understand the pain that i had gone through all the while..

If..

2009-02-17T22:24:00.004+08:00

If i had saved up more money in the past..
If only i had spent more time on my job..
If i had not been such a spendthrift all the while..
If i have loads of money now..
There are too many 'if'' in my mind now..

I've been thinking..what do i excel in?NOTHING!!I'm neither good in studies and relating with people..all i know is - idling around and waiting for my parents to do everything for me..though i'm working now but, have i given any allowance to my parents?No..i even stoled from them when i was young..all i know is to take money from them when i finish spending my salary, though i know that they hardly have anymore left for themselves..I'm being very unfilial..i often quarrel with my dad over very small matters..even to the extent of leaving home..i flared up when things don't follow the way i want it to be..perharps i'm just too sturborn to change..

Work..every 'interest' that i had, it didn't last long..i called it a quit when i find that i couldn't carry on with it..i'm just plain lazy..most of the time i just preferred to stay at home and do nothing..which i regretted alot..i'm not sure after my NS, my interest for Nursing will still be there..and that's wasting money again..

IF only all the 'if' can turn into reality..

Uncertain

2009-02-14T00:08:00.002+08:00

Recently i've been thinking through these questions..what makes you like me??Since i'm neither good looking, rich, romantic or whatever the crap..i'm just wondering, to u, what makes me so unique..I don't know if its my problem or what..i'm beginning to feel rather inferior recently..

Weirdos

2009-02-13T01:30:00.002+08:00

Recently i've get to know all sorts of weird people out there, for just only 2 months..really an eye opener for me..

There are people who wants to pay me for s** and the amount he is pay is no joke..fcuking $2000!!But of course i rejected la..so cheap..hahaz..
And there are people who begged me to have s** with them without any conditions, people who tells me they like me even when we only met once, and keep bombared me with sms when i didn't reply him for like 10 minutes because i'm busy with my work..
And worse still..there are people who likes to spread rumours of people whom they don't even know!!Bloody hell!!

The world have really changed..why the hell did i get to know all sorts of weird people like these?!I got a feeling there are more coming.=X

Confessions

2009-02-10T23:18:00.004+08:00

We had been seeing each other for almost 2 months liao..and i believe you might be wondering, why till now i've not yet ask you that questions ba..

its not that i don't love you or what..the reason being that at that time, i had not really sorted out my feelings..as in, who do i really love..i admit that at the very beginning, i sort of made use of you to forget the feelings i had for someone else..but now i've gotten my retribution, that is, falling in love with you..hahaz..

Anyway the question, i will ask, real soon..
i love you..

Blog song

2009-02-07T22:39:00.003+08:00

Yes i know this song is emo..and i chose this song on purpose, not only because i like S.H.E and the song..just like i started this blog not because i wanted to share my stuff but to ventilate out myself..

Why do i chose this song??because this is the song which i was listening to when i first realized that i love you..when we were dating..when we quarrelled..when we broke off, and when i keep thinking of you now..

This is the song which reminds me of you..the happy moments we shared, the difficulties we went through, and the bad memories we had..

Hack why am i typing all these??

Interview

2009-02-06T23:33:00.002+08:00

I've learned something new this week..interview is just like having a written exam..there is a set of standard answers that is expected from the interviewer..and its best not to tell the truth during interview if not you will die big time!!

That's what i got from yesterday's interview..damn it me and my resusitation and Medical ward!!Hope it wont affect my performance and i'm able to get the job..May Guan Yin Ma bless me..

Missing

2009-02-05T01:23:00.001+08:00

I'm going to miss you again..for these 5 days..

Insecure

2009-02-04T14:21:00.001+08:00

I do love you, but yet feeling insecure at the same time..maybe that's juz me ba..

Slack

2009-02-01T23:54:00.000+08:00

Tomorrow will be oficially the first day i slack at home..so sian and not used to it..what shall i do??hmm..

Lost

2009-01-30T22:29:00.011+08:00

Last day of school today..somehow i doesn't want school to end ba, thinking of the changes that i will face after today..

Not being a student anymore..no more waking up early in the morning going to school or for attachment..no more projects and mugging for exams..everyday staying at home and slack..enlisting for National Service soon..turning 21 in 9 months time..the last 2 being the worse for me..

Haiz beginning to miss ward 36 again..maybe because its the best and longest posting i've ever had and felt so attached to the staff and patients there..maybe this is the withdrawing symptoms i'm facing after being in that ward for 3 months ba..and maybe i really had fun and had a really good time working and crapping and gaying with frenz from school..

Feel so lost now..what should i do before enlistment??hmm..

Missing

2009-01-30T22:15:00.001+08:00

I miss you..
I miss you..
I miss you..

Last day of PRCP

2009-01-29T21:37:00.004+08:00

Honestly, i can't bear for it to end..12 weeks seem to be very long but it passes really fast..had learnt alot of stuff and really felt satisfied when taking up jobs of an in-charge..woohoo~~!!=P

I will definitely miss everyone in ward 36..be it if u gave me good or bad memories..

CNY day 1

2009-01-26T22:45:00.005+08:00

First day of Chinese New Year..and guess what?? i stayed home the whole day today..not a good start i think..bad omen.=P..but nevermind i'm used to it le, since its been like this the past few years..

Woke up at 3 plus today..haven't been sleeping for this long le.=P
The only thing i did which i think was worth it was finish watching 'Miss No Good' ba..kept crying while watching it..maybe the storyline has got something to do with my life ba..also kept munching on tidbits..my favourite pineapple tarts!! But having sore throat now so better try to control myself ba..to think that one of my new year resolutions is to train myself for NS..but look at me now, keep eating non-stop..speaking of pineapple tarts, i kinda miss those we bought from Malacca..haiz..

Tomorrow going out for visiting le (like finally!!)..better try to sleep early tonight lest i got panda eyes tomorrow (but i already have them le..sob sob..)..

Memories

2009-01-25T23:23:00.002+08:00

Somehow the things that we did on my birthday night, it keeps haunting me..i still remember everything we did in Malacca back than..from the nyonya dinner, to the viewing tower and jonker street, and to what we did in the hotel room.=P

These memories will never come back le..haiz, dunno why i become emo again tonight..

2 months past..

2009-01-25T18:56:00.006+08:00

25th Oct 2008...
25th Nov 2008...
If nothing had happened that night, i dunno how the both of us will be now..will we still be loving? or always quarrelling..i kept thinking about this question while working just now..BUT even if we are still together now, it might be what you and i know that sustain this relationship, but not the feelings u have for me ba..

I hate the 25th of every month!! no more birthday celebration for me ever again..

What should i do?

2009-01-24T23:24:00.003+08:00

Haiz wat should i do? i cant even decide wat i want now (or the future i should say)..Should i or should i not? i still have 2 years of NS to go through..by the time i'm out, the interest might not be there le..have to give an answer on Wednesday..wat should i do?

Sick again

2009-01-20T22:41:00.003+08:00

Name: L** T***S***
IC no.: S88XXXXXJ
Diagnosis: Unknown

#Diarrhea
A: BO X 4 during shift
: Large amount of soft watery st*** as observed
P: To prevent dehydration
I : Oral fluid intake encouraged
E: Diarrhea still persist
: To continue moniter

#Fever
A: Temperature 37.8 degree celcius
P: To reduce body temperature
I : Oral anti-pyretic served
: Bathed in cold water
: Nursed under fan
: Oral fluid intake encouraged
E : Fever still persist
: To continue moniter

#Giddiness
A: As felt
P: To ensure safety
I : Bedrest adviced
E : to continue treatment

Hope can get well soon..so tiring to work when i'm sick.=(

Sick

2009-01-19T23:00:00.002+08:00

Down with fever today, but i still have to work..so sian..temperature i took highest was 39.0 degree celcius..scare the hell out of me..and i stoled one stripe of panadol..haha..

p.s. I still remember you are the one whom showed me concern when i last fell sick..oops.=P

2009-01-07T22:38:00.000+08:00

STRESS UP!!

Emo

2009-01-07T22:35:00.002+08:00

Sometimes i really have the urge to send a sms to u..but i cant find any reason for myself to do so, anymore..

Busy day

2009-01-05T22:47:00.002+08:00

Today is the start of the 9th week of PRCP..and one of the worse for me..Why??simply coz today was DAMN busy..and worse then that friday..i practically din sit down the whole day, and was busy from after report taking all the way to passing report..

From the time i finish taking report, is the start of hell for me..after reporting taking, as usual i start with my parameters and ADLs..blah blah blah.. den suddenly a whole swarm of doctors came into the ward and wanted to see most of my patients..sian..

I've got one patient with low haemoglobin and need blood transfusion, and have family conference with the team doctors as the patient had juz been diagnosed with CA sigmoid colon..and the family also requested for upgrade to B1 class, which means more work for me..Another patient, whose lab results juz came back today and have AB over his leg wound..and was planned for operation today..so was also preparing him for op..and this patient has low blood glucose level..so means more work..

Some other jobs i did today..went up to inpatient pharmacy thrice for my team, and the pharmacist too such a long time(talking about Twilight)!!attending to this patient who can walk BUT claims that he cant walk to the toilet!!keep answering call bell from this uncle who has cognitive impairment, and he called juz for things lyk adjuzting his bedside locker and the height of his back..and asking questions that i had already answered him the past few days..preparing my patients for operation as i had 3 patients scheduled for op..transferring my patient to another ward..and the endless report writing and the last minute new case..oh i did skin prep also which i had not done any during my 3 years in Nursing..unbelievable huh??lol..

Anyway i got 3 patients with infected wounds..to think that i initially wanted to take 8 patients today..luckily i did not..but my poor staff nurse..can see that she was really stressed up today..had to look after her patients as well as guiding me at the same time..but she said something to me at the end, which made me really happy..haha..

Now waiting for the year two students to come in..hope can at least ease some of the junior work ba..and..25 more days to go!!

FED UP!!!

2009-01-05T00:51:00.002+08:00

Why are some people so stubborn and sickening??i already told u so many times that i dun like u and its not possible for us to be together..but yet u are still doing this..

how long have we knew each other??not even one week..u juz lyk me based on what u had seen in my profiles and the video..don't u think u are too childish??this is not love..thats all i can say..

You had made me come to this decision, to block u in my msn..and maybe to stop the friendship as well..

Thinking too much?

2009-01-04T00:59:00.003+08:00

Why do i keep having this feeling that he actually still likes me ALOT, but doesn't want to get back with me and treating me so cold, as he loves me too much and doesn't want me to get hurt again by what he did?

And, why am i thinking of this now?

New Year

2009-01-03T23:21:00.001+08:00

Finally back with my blog!!After i had deleted mine 2 years back due to some stupid reason..Actually wanted to revive my blog some time back..but was too lazy to do so as i don't really have the time to manage it..haha..From now on, i will try to update more often..though will be mostly emo post i think..haha..

2008 is over..its quite a smooth year i supposed..nothing much had happened compared to the previous few years..though there are something that happened towards the end of the year, that changes my life a little..And i really want to thank those who had walked through last year with me..especially during the period when i felt that there is already no purpose for me to live on..

But now i shall look ahead and move on i think..anyway here are some of my new year resolutions i hope to fulfil in 2009..hopefully..
-not to flirt so much
-learn to be a better boyfriend
-to train myself for National Service (coming real soon=X)
-learn to manage my money (not to spend so much)
-learn to control my bad temper
-use less vulgarities

Hope 2009 will be a good one, and i will be able to forget the painful past as soon as possible..